I’ve blogged a lot this summer about what we 4 Meyers have been DOING, but I don’t often blog about what we’re thinking about.
One major area I’ve been thinking about is waiting. I think I’ll go back to the beginning…of our marriage at least. I got married thinking that I was somewhat of an expert on waiting, since I waited a LONG time for Matt.
As you probably know, Luke was 5 when Matt & I were married. He almost immediately began asking for a brother or sister (except really, he wanted a brother.) That was fine with us, since I’d always wanted a big family, and Matt was thrilled with the thought of more kids. Since I didn’t get even date until I was 33, I had begun to wonder if kids were in the Lord’s plan for me at all. Matt thought the door was completely closed to more kids, since he and Julie knew that after Chemo, kids were out of the question. For both of us, having Tobin was such a “cherry on top”: We had more than we’d dreamed. When T was just a few months old, I told Matt, “You know I’m going to want another one of these, right?” I love babies. :) My plan was to get pregnant early enough that by the time T stopped being cuddly and baby-like, I’d have another one to hold (I would have loved to get pregnant the month after I stopped nursing). Matt was less enthusiastic about that timeline, so we worked out a compromise… our plan was to get pregnant so that our third child would be born shortly after Tobin turned 2. Since he is beyond 3 1/2 now, you can see that did not work out. I talked to my doctor about it, but we are unwilling to spend money on any treatment, even to see why I am not getting pregnant…mostly because now that I’m in my late 30s, it’s not really that mysterious (Just to be clear - I don’t think it’s wrong to spend money on fertility testing or treatment. It’s just that with 2 kids already, it didn’t feel right for us.)
So… Not an expert on waiting. The last 2 years has been up and down for me. Sometimes I’m very content, thankful for my two boy-joys, and for all of the college friends we get to love and serve (and realistically I know that the more kids we have, the less available I am for college ministry.) Sometimes I remember that I have 2 more kids than I ever thought I’d have, plus an awesome husband. Sometimes I’ve been frustrated and confused, wondering why in the world the Lord wouldn’t want to give us more kids…why I have such a strong feeling that there is more for our family. Other times, at the monthly reminder that I’m still not pregnant, I’ve been overwhelmed with sadness that I hardly understand. I found a great weapon against that sadness though… I have several friends who have struggled through seasons of infertility and loss that I cannot even comprehend, so I decided a long while ago that whenever I was overwhelmed with sadness, I would pray for them in their sadness. I don’t usually think of prayer as magic, but in this case, it sure seemed to be. Praying for my sweet friends almost completely cured my sadness – God is so good! (and now those friends all have the sweetest little answered prayers – He is ABUNDANTLY good, both in the blessing and answers, and even in the sadness and loss.)
In some ways, it’s been a long two years (I hardly can even stand to type that, knowing what a loooooooong and much more painful wait so many have had). But I have much to be thankful for, certainly a sweet loving husband and two precious boys, and over and above and under and in everything, a Maker who loves me and has GOOD plans for me, and is a comforter and KEEPER.
We are in the process of making some decisions about our family in light of all these things. We’d love your prayers for our family and especially decisions we’re in the process of making right now. I’m very thankful for each of you. And thankful that no matter what we decide, our God is a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, Who sets the lonely in families (from Psalm 68.)