Saturday, February 26, 2011

Adoption, Ethics, and child trafficking

Kind of a depressing topic… But I’ve had several responses to my comments in our adoption timeline about my FREAKOUT about the ethics and issues surrounding international adoption. In all my reading and research about adoption, it wasn’t until we began the process that I was exposed to and began to seriously consider 1) the loss every adopted person has experienced 2) the major ethical concerns you need to be aware of as you approach international adoption. All I’d ever seen (and this could have been totally because of my own blindness) was a happy Christian perspective, “I rescued this child, they are thankful, we are happy forever.” I mean…praise GOD for adoption, it is a picture of our relationship with Him, and a beautiful thing. But there IS an ugly side.

Obviously, we’ve decided to move ahead – despite the issues, there are children who need loving families, and we believe God has called us to answer by bringing one of those children into our family. But we want to be aware of the depth of loss we’re bringing into our family, and prepared to walk with our 3rd child through those losses. And we want to be EXTRA careful as we proceed, making sure to the extent we’re able that we’re communicating and working in ethical ways.

Since I know several of you have asked the same questions about ethics, I thought I’d share a couple of things I’ve come across that have been VERY helpful for me (and just good for anyone to read who’s concerned about the orphan crisis.)

The first is a blog post on the Idea Camp blog. Idea Camp is happening this weekend in Arkansas, and focuses on brainstorming ideas for how the church in America can address the orphan crisis. I’ve been so encouraged to see that they’re including voices from all sides, not just “adopt a child, save a life, be happy forever!” And the focus is not only adopting children in need into western families, but also doing something to help the millions of children who are not adoptable, or who are starving despite having families. They are talking about doing something about what is CAUSING the orphan crisis.

If you’re interested at all in these issues, you should read A Dad… And an Advocate. It’s written by an adoptive father who is also president of an organization working to end trafficking. It’s a great summary of the issues I’ve been working through.

To read the whole thing, click on the link above. Here’s just a snippet:

I get concerned when I see an approach of “finding children for families” within the adoption world. This only increases “demand”, and demand fuels the trafficking and exploitation of children. Our approach instead, must be one of finding families for children. And this needs to include extended family or foster/adoptive families within the child’s own country. While I believe that most intercountry adoptions are ethical and not corrupted by child trafficking, the issues still exist and must be addressed.

I think often times we are much better at dealing with the consequences and results of these systemic issues than we are at preventing them. Building more safehomes is not the answer to ending child trafficking, just as adoption is not the solution to the growing number of children who are orphaned. These responses are compassionate, loving and effective acts made necessary by the above causes.

William Sloane Coffin Jr. said; “To show compassion for an individual without showing concern for the structures of society that make him an object of compassion is to be sentimental rather than loving.”

It’s been so helpful to me as I’ve wrestled through these issues to see that others are thinking and wrestling through these same things (and there were days when I thought I was going to have to give up the dream of being an adoptive family because of these issues – I just didn’t know if we could proceed in good conscience.)

I was so encouraged to see the following anonymous post on one of the Ugandan adoption groups I’ve joined. It’s basically a “how-to” guide for making sure you’re proceeding in an ethical manner.

It’s kind of long… But I’ve had so many people privately email or message me that they’re working through these same issues (or that, like me, these issues may keep them from considering international adoption), I thought I’d go ahead and share it here. The Idea Camp blog is good for anyone to read, just to be aware of this world that we live in. The following will probably be most helpful for others who are considering adoption…

I wanted to write a little bit about ethical adoptions in Uganda. I'm not prepared to put anything on my blog yet, so I thought I'd keep it here among "friends" only right now. I’ve been getting LOTS of emails lately talking about this. I’ve also been getting a ton of interest in adopting from Uganda. With everything going on in Ethiopia, we should be prepared for a new rush of interest in the UG program. Which is on one hand, good. Because there are a lot of children in Uganda that need families. But here's the problem. The majority of families are interested in adopting an infant. I can say that about 95% of the families I talk to are only interested in adopting babies. This scares me for the UG program. Because I’ve seen how quickly this can get out of control.
One of the reasons I was initially drawn to the Uganda program was that while we wanted to adopt a child under age 2, I didn't want to contribute to the unethical behavior, the "supply and demand" feeling I got from certain other countries. I knew that in Uganda there were babies actually sitting in orphanages, eligible to be adopted. From what I can tell, this isn't really the case now. There are now lines of families waiting and waiting to adopt infants from Uganda
Yes, there are infants in Uganda that need adoptive families. But there are far more families wanting to adopt them then there are ADOPTABLE* infants in Uganda.
I have continued to hear disturbing reports from Uganda of people in the slums "looking" for babies that can be adopted. Every-time I hear people tell me they are asking an attorney to "find them a baby" I get really really nervous. We should not be finding babies for families or asking others to do so! This is opposite of how this program should work!
Find families for children in need, not children for families that “want”. (I heard that somewhere, can’t remember where but it is true!) I understand wanting a baby quickly - I really, really do. But folks, this is going going to end up just like the other countries that have been shut down - Cambodia, Guatemala, Vietnam, etc. if we don't demand ethical adoptions with the priority on children waiting for families.
So, I'd thought I'd write up some of my ideas of how we can encourage ethical adoptions in Uganda. What do you tell families asking you? Any more suggestions?
1. Only adopt from a registered and approved baby home. Don't ask attorneys or people in Uganda to "find" you a baby. This will get out of hand very quickly (it's already started). If you are adopting from an unregistered home, why aren’t they registered? Make sure nothing illegal is going on. There have been people in UG offering Americans children from orphanages that don’t even exist. Be aware that scams happen.
2. Be prepared to wait for your baby. You don't want people in Uganda to feel pressured to produce a referral for you quickly, you want a child that truly needs a family to be matched with one. Sometimes this takes a while, especially if you're working with a registered and approved home. They often have waiting lists. After babies come into homes, once the investigations are done and everyone is SURE international adoption is the best thing for this child, they are cleared for adoption and they will be matched with the next eligible family. This can take time as you make your way to the top of the list.
3. Obtain an independent background investigation of your child's background. Hire someone else to do this, not associated with your attorney or the orphanage (some agencies already do this). The attorney and orphanage WANT this child to be adoptable, find someone who is not directly involved or profiting from this adoption. Better yet, go investigate the background yourself.
3. Talk to the PO (probation officer) or police officers that have dealt with this child's case. Talk to family members and guardians. Do they understand what adoption means? Make sure there is no confusion, find a good translator to make sure they understand. Was an advertisement put in the paper asking relatives to come forward? Did it run for long enough and was in the area the child is from? Is there a Ugandan family willing to adopt this child
4. Ask relatives/guardians why they want the child to be adopted. Is it simply because they are poor? If so, if a sponsor was found for their family would they want to keep the child? Try to keep the family together if at all possible.
5. Consider branching out of your originally requested age range/request. Can you consider a child slightly older? With medical needs? There are so many beautiful children just sitting in orphanages waiting for families.
If you’re with an agency I’d ask the following questions:
1. What is your focus - do you only place infants or do you place waiting children too
2. What orphanages do you work with? How are children referred to your agency
3. Who does the child’s background investigation? Who explains adoption to any relatives or guardians?
4. Are families relinquishing their children given any other options for keeping their family together?
5. What does your agency do to encourage family preservation?
6. What humanitarian aid do you offer in Uganda?
7. Do you have someone traveling to Uganda regularly to check on things
8. Are you Hague approved? If not, was it denied?
9. What attorney do you use in Uganda (research them too even if you’re using an agency!)?
10. Why is your wait for a referral so much shorter than other agencies (if this is the case).
Any other suggestions for ensuring ethical adoptions in this beautiful country? I’d love to hear them!
*Not every baby in a babies home can or should be adopted by foreign families. Many have families who will come for them some day. Some can be adopted in Uganda. Some have relatives who don't want them but won't release them for adoption (which makes me so sad).

If you’ve read this far, thanks :). And I’d love to hear your thoughts if you’ve asked similar questions.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Because we just didn’t have enough noise in our house…

I saw this tutorial for home made kazoos and thought it was such a great easy kid craft. Tobin loves to play with toilet paper rolls as it is (he calls them “do-da-doos”). So we saved some toilet paper rolls (which took a while since Matt kept finding the ones I was saving and throwing them away, not knowing they were saved on purpose!) We did this a couple of weeks ago, the week Luke was home sick for most of the week (he had a viral eye thing going on … which  lasted until we got antibacterial drops, so maybe it wasn’t viral after all? He missed school 3 1/2 days.)

Luke decorated his with a piece of ART, while the little ones and I decorated with crayons and stickers, so we finished a LONG time before he did. So meticulous, when he wants to be!

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Tobin’s, mine, and Sarah’s:

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Messy…but easy to clean up.

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5 seconds after we finished, while Luke was still drawing his masterpiece, I turned to him and said, “Noisemakers? What was I thinking??” :)

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30 minutes later, he was finally finished. :)

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Our first fundraiser…

I mentioned in the adoption timeline post that this past Sunday we had our first adoption fundraiser – a concert and dessert with some friends of ours who are also hoping to adopt from Uganda.

We are so thankful for the businesses that donated dessert and for Bryan Oleson, the lead singer of Vota, who did an acoustic concert set for us. And for the many friends who served and especially those who gave, getting us started toward adoption. With ticket sales, my etsy sales that night, and donations, we raised our home study costs, which is the first (of many!) large expense in front of us. Praise the Lord for providing, and for sweet friends!

We’re thankful to get started with our fundraising, but it was also a really fun evening. So laid-back, the kids danced and ran around (and ate cupcakes), and (my kid at least) tried to get the microphone away from our guest performer.

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My helpers (some of them, at least!)

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At the end of Bryan & Justin’s set, we were supposed to come back up front to talk again, but I was in a great conversation, and didn’t even realized they’d finished until I heard Tobin’s voice over the sound system. As soon as Bryan left his stool, Tobin hopped up there & started singing his heart out. Short stuff thinks he’s big stuff. :)

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Our first fundraiser…

I mentioned in the adoption timeline post that this past Sunday we had our first adoption fundraiser – a concert and dessert with some friends of ours who are also hoping to adopt from Ug*nda.
We are so thankful for the businesses that donated dessert and for Bryan Oleson, the lead singer of Vota, who did an acoustic concert set for us. And for the many friends who served and especially those who gave, getting us started toward adoption. With ticket sales, my etsy sales that night, and donations, we raised our home study costs, which is the first (of many!) large expense in front of us. Praise the Lord for providing, and for sweet friends!
We’re thankful to get started with our fundraising, but it was also a really fun evening. So laid-back, the kids danced and ran around (and ate cupcakes), and (my kid at least) tried to get the microphone away from our guest performer.
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My helpers (some of them, at least!)
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At the end of Bryan & Justin’s set, we were supposed to come back up front to talk again, but I was in a great conversation, and didn’t even realized they’d finished until I heard Tobin’s voice over the sound system. As soon as Bryan left his stool, Tobin hopped up there & started singing his heart out. Short stuff thinks he’s big stuff. :)
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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Dodgeball Party!!

If you have an 11 boy (or a boy or girl age 6 or older, who likes to be crazy), and you’re looking for the easiest, cheapest party idea, I can tell you: DODGEBALL.

 Such an easy, cheap, great party idea that 2 years ago when we had a 9 year old birthday party, we decided our next party would be a do-over. So. much. fun. (and so easy for mom.)



2 hours + 9 boys + 6 dads + 11 balls + 4 gallons of Gatorade = FUN

We used our church gym, and I made a vat of Gatorade, had big bowls of different chips, and brownies. Easy peasie.

I can’t speak for the other dads, but Matt was exhausted, and SORE. And the boys claim a win… I guess it’s good to be 11.



 
We always say “no gifts” for our kids’ friend parties – mostly because they have 5 sets of grandparents and have everything they need. And also because we want them to be excited about being with their friends rather than getting stuff.

This year, Luke decided to go a step further. We put on the back of his invitations, “Instead of gifts, Luke would like to make a donation to Tiny Hands, International. If you would like to participate, please bring a donation of up to $5 to be given to the Restoration Project with Tiny Hands." People were very generous (and 1 family had already planned on giving to the project, so they went outside the $5 suggestion), and Luke raised $80 for Tiny Hands! Yay!

Sunday morning, he got to take the money and give it to Tiny Hands – for every $20, you get to take a HAND and move it to the board shown below, so Luke got to post 4 hands and get us closer to raising the money for our 7th micro-finance loan for a woman rescued from sex trafficking.


 So fun!!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Coffee Cozies

I’m so excited for our adoption benefit concert tonight! But I’m not going to lie… I’ll be glad when it’s over because it has been a LOT of work. In addition to all the event planning stuff (which I love, but at some point this house is going to need to be cleaned…I’ve barely done more than feeding an clothing my family this week), I’ve also been making some cuteness to raise money for our adoption fund:DSC_7414
And in case, like some of my facebook friends, you look at the picture and think, “Wow, that’s kind of a weird bracelet…”:
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It is a weird bracelet, but a very cute coffee sleeve (and earth friendly, since you can use this instead of the cardboard ones at your neighborhood coffee shop.) I’m absolutely obsessed with this color combination right now…I could cover the world with peacock and red.
And, since I know my customer base (here in NE at least), I also made some of these:
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I only made a few Husker ones, though, and I’m expecting them to sell out tonight.
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After tonight, I’ll be selling them on my etsy shop (Nebraskaree Designs :D), along with some bags and purses. But for now, I’ll focus on TONIGHT. And then have to clean some toilets, probably. Yuck. :)
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I’m linking up to a couple of parties…
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Coffee Cozies

I’m so excited for our adoption benefit concert tonight! But I’m not going to lie… I’ll be glad when it’s over because it has been a LOT of work. In addition to all the event planning stuff (which I love, but at some point this house is going to need to be cleaned…I’ve barely done more than feeding an clothing my family this week), I’ve also been making some cuteness to raise money for our adoption fund:

 
And in case, like some of my facebook friends, you look at the picture and think, “Wow, that’s kind of a weird bracelet…”:


It is a weird bracelet, but a very cute coffee sleeve (and earth friendly, since you can use this instead of the cardboard ones at your neighborhood coffee shop.) I’m absolutely obsessed with this color combination right now…I could cover the world with peacock and red.

And, since I know my customer base (here in NE at least), I also made some of these:


I only made a few Husker ones, though, and I’m expecting them to sell out tonight.

 
After tonight, I’ll be selling them on my etsy shop (Nebraskaree Designs :D), along with some bags and purses. But for now, I’ll focus on TONIGHT. And then have to clean some toilets, probably. Yuck. :)

Friday, February 11, 2011

What are you doing on Sunday 2/20 @ 7pm?

If you live here in Lincoln or the surrounding area, I hope you’ll join our family and our friends Jim & Jamy Sullivan (and family) at a benefit concert & dessert to raise money for our adoptions! It’s next Sunday (2/20) at 7pm in the Lincoln Berean Church Coffeehouse.

Several local businesses have donated coffee and desserts (really really yummy gourmet desserts… Jamy is a wedding photog, so she has CONNECTIONS, plus my sweet friend Jordan just started a cupcake business. Yay for us!), and Bryan Oleson of VOTA will give an acoustic concert (http://votaband.com/). Both families will also take the opportunity to share about our adoption plans.

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Hope to see you there!

(If news of our plans to adopt from Uganda is NEWS to you…you might want to go back and read “Big Plans for the Meyer Family”, or click on the adoption tag below!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Feeling Nostalgic…

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Luke and I are home alone tonight, which is  pretty rare. He’s had something weird going on with his eye, so I sent Tobin to Grammie’s as is usual on Thursday nights. I kept Luke here so I can keep an eye on him and take him back to the doctor if necessary (his eye is looking much better even now, so I’m pretty sure that won’t be necessary.)

We had popcorn and pop for dinner, which Luke thinks is AWESOME, and have been huddled under blankets on the couch watching TV together. As I was popping the popcorn, I realized that tomorrow (2/11) is our anniversary – 6 years ago was my first visit to Nebraska, and the first time I met Luke.

We didn’t really plan my first visit to be over Valentine’s day, we just compared both of our schedules and realized the second week in February was the best time for him to fly me up here. My friend Heather was like, “Oh, right, the second weekend in February…” Hee hee. I practically had a panic attack about whether/what to give Matt as a Valentine’s gift. We were “dating”, although we’d only had one date. And at that point, while we emailed every day, we only talked on the phone twice a week. I really didn’t know where this was headed. And I’d never given a V-day gift to a man or boy. I opted for an Aggie hat (whoop!) and making him chocolate chip cookies (his favorite…reminds me, I need to make a batch for him for this V-day!)

After picking me up at the Omaha airport, Matt took me for lunch at M’s Pub. As we walked there, he asked to hold my hand for the first time. So sweet! (And also….interdigitation.) Then we picked Luke up and went ice skating. Look what a pipsqueak Luke was:

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Then I had my first and only sledding experience, because Matt knew I’d never been (and Friday was the only day it would be cold enough – by Saturday, the snow was melting and everything was slushy.)

Matt’s favorite picture of me, I think he still has it in a frame somewhere:

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Q-T:

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And also, Tobin now wears those boots and that hat. And the jacket, if I’ll let him (it’s a little ragged).

That night I met George & Renae (Matt’s dad & stepmom) and Betsy, Darren and Annalise. We had dinner at an awesome Italian restaurant in Omaha, but I don’t remember which one (just that it was good, and I was nervous, but liked them all and especially Betsy right away.) Then we drove back to Lincoln and had dessert with the Lehman family – kind of a long day, now that I think about it. I stayed in the Lehmans’ guest room, and driving from their house always reminds me of following Matt’s directions to get from there to what is now my home. Weird.

Saturday is kind of a blur for me… I don’t remember what all we did, just randomly that we got coffee at NuVibe. We also had lunch with Kyle & Jennifer Bond and Aaron and Jenn Marshbanks, which was awesome (thanks to all of their awesomeness, but also to Jenn’s ability to ask deep questions and really get to know you quickly. Love her :D).

And that night Matt took me on a date to Lazlo’s (yum) and told me that he was ready to “take it to the next level” (name that movie). He said with both our ministry schedules that would have to be either in the summer or Christmas, and he thought Christmas was too long to wait. And then I stopped breathing for a while and don’t remember much else.  He told me I didn’t have to answer right away, I could think about it. :)

Sunday we had church, my first College Worship Hour (where Anne Watson took me under her wing, what a blessing, I was feeling very awkward.) Afterwards, we had lunch with Matt’s mom and stepdad & Betsy’s family, and got ready for the baptism service that night. I’m so thankful that even though I hardly knew them at the time, I got to be there when Bill & Sara were baptized. What a blessing. And I fell in love with Sara at first sight – she was exactly what I’d prayed for in a mother-in-law (for those of you who know her, I had prayed that if I ever got married, I’d have a MIL like Mom Fisher…and God said YES.)

Luke loved seeing his letters from preschool, which used to cover the dining room wall, but otherwise he thinks the pictures of our house 6 years ago are “creepy.” :)

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And check out Annalise!!

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Monday we had lunch (just Matt & I) at Green Gatau…see how many of my favorite Lincoln places I got to meet that weekend? I wasn’t planning on telling Matt what I was thinking (I wanted to pray longer and just generally give myself more time to adjust), but over lunch I blurted out, “Christmas seems to far away to me too!” Eek.

Here we are at the airport before I flew back to College Station…

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It was a great visit. I loved meeting all of Matt’s friends and family, and worked really hard not to picture myself living here. Other random things I remember: Driving on 9th or 10th street and seeing the sign for the “Germans from Russia” museum. What? I still wonder about that. Everyone kept apologizing for the slushy weather and blackish old snow. I didn’t understand at the time – I was just happy it wasn’t two degrees – now I get it. And several times throughout the weekend when we saw friends of Luke’s – neighbors and kids at his home daycare – they asked, “Is that your new mommy?” And I was like “EEK! Awkward!” Luke ignored them completely. :)

But the thing that I remember most is falling in love with a little blond blue-eyed cutie.

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Who could resist that smile?