Thursday, February 9, 2012

feeling funky.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how weird and dangerous blogging is. Not jump out of an airplane dangerous. But create-a-false-picture of your life dangerous.

And reading blogs can be equally fraught - it sets me up for comparison (and comparison is always a TRAP. I actually unsubscribed from a few blogs this week for that reason.)

I read something earlier that's really sticking with me - about how "mommy blogs" present a fake view of life (not that I have a "mommy blog" by any means, and I don't really read anything that's in that category.) She ends with the quote, "it’s better to be imperfectly YOU than to be a perfect imitation of someone else."

It's really been bothering me to think that in some way my blogging might discourage others. But it also bothers me that by sharing what I'm thankful for or fun things that we've done would be considered fake or bragging.

The truth is that this blog is like a scrapbook for me, sharing the things I want to share and remember. And mostly I want to remember and focus on the good stuff. There's a fair amount of gratitude and thankfulness here too - which are often things that I'm actually thankful for. But are also OFTEN things I'm choosing to be thankful for, rather than complain about. It's amazing the power in taking something that could be hard or aggravating and receiving it as a gift. So I may want to say, "wow, everyone wants to touch me and I can't do anything because of the kids piled up on me. And I might be losing my mind." But instead, I say, "Thank you Jesus for these cuddly kids you have given me. Thank you for the power of touch and how much my family enjoys giving and receiving it. Thank You for these kid-filled days in this kid-filled season." If I'm feeling tension or hurt in a friendship or friend group, I'm going to look for things to give thanks for in other relationships, as a reminder that the Lord is more than meeting my needs.

I don't think that's fake, it's just choosing to see the good rather than complain. I know there's value in "keeping it real", and when I'm struggling, I'm not afraid to share that. But I'm also going to be looking for the good, because thanksgiving is what keeps me SANE.

The other truth is that I almost always blog when I'm happy. I like to write, and like to write about happy things. When I'm in a funky mood I hardly ever want to sit down and write about it.

The reason I'm telling you this: Today I'm in a funky mood. And I decided I'd write about it.

I'm feeling blue and down and trapped in my house.I didn't sleep well and then slept through my alarm. I checked facebook before doing anything else (which I try not to do.) I had a good reason, but that threw off my morning routine and then Micah woke up extra early (he seems to think that the two of us are in a "who can get up earlier" competition - no matter how early I get up to get some time to myself before starting the day, he gets up too.) I didn't work out and have just been on the edge of grouchy all day. Nothing wrong or bad, I just feel sad and crabby. And it's not even hormones.

So that's the "keeping it real" portion. But who wants to stay there? Not me! So here's what I'm thankful for today:
- Being a stay at home mom, so that on a blue day I can just curl up with my kids and take it easy. I don't have to push through and be "on."
- Having a husband whom I can tell that I'm feeling blue and funky and he'll pray for me and encourage me.
- Really helpful and encouraging adoption books (I read Toddler Adoption and The Connected Child while we were in process, and now am reading Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child, at the recommendation of a good friend.)
- One of the things I want most for Micah right now is to learn delayed gratification - to WAIT when he needs something. But one of the things Micah needs most from me right now is to learn that I will quickly respond to his needs. Thankful to be in a place in life and parenthood that reveals my sin and ugliness and selfishness. How will my children ever learn patience from a mom who is impatient??
- Hot drinks on a cold day
- Netflix and easy entertainment for littles when I need it
- That every day is a new day and new beginning; and the promise of a better night's sleep tonight.
- This quiet season: I strain against the isolation of new-baby/toddler-hood, but I am thankful for down time. And connection time. And this is the only first months home that we'll ever have.
- Speaking of that, I'm thankful for the seasonal nature of life. Winter can be hard, but you know it will pass. I want to enjoy this season while it's here, knowing that it won't last forever. And the diaper changing season - while it's not much to celebrate, WILL PASS.