Through the process of adoption, I've been remarkably fear- free, and I am SO THANKFUL. Even this summer, when arriving in Ug*nda in the middle of the night, jetlagged, and being picked up by a stranger to be driven over an hour through the darkness to my destination...while I could feel the temptation to completely FREAK OUT (or fall asleep, which would have been an equally bad decision), I was able to trust in the Lord and remain CALM. Praise God.Through all the unknowns of this process, with all of the potential outcomes (some of which really are terrifying), I've known that whatever happens, the Lord has us in His hands, and I've felt SAFE.
But.
This last week, as things are getting really really REAL, the fear is coming in. I'm not giving in to it, but the temptation is always there. What if....
....something terrible happens to Matt, Luke and I and T and our new little mister are left all alone?
...something terrible happens to T while the rest of us are in Africa? (This thought had never occurred to me consciously, but I had a horrific dream about T a few nights ago involving him being in others' care and me unable to get to him to keep him safe. It involved a large body of water, and I woke up crying and sobbing.)
....something surfaces in our little mister's case and we're unable to parent him ourselves? (If any unethical things surfaced in our case, or if we found he had biological family who wanted to parent him, we would always choose that...but it doesn't make it any easier to face.)
....we get home with little mister and the entire dynamic and fabric of our family is ripped apart?
These are mostly really far-fetched fears, but that doesn't make them any easier to fight.
Praise the LORD that His goodness covers me, and even if one (or ALL) of these fears come to pass, I know "We overwhelmingly CONQUER through Him who loves us." I hear Him speaking to me in these fears - which are HIS to fight - in so many ways.
Almost every song we sang at the college retreat Matt & I were at last week in Colorado had at least one line about not being afraid. My very favorite at the moment (and a song I think will always remind me of this exact season) is David Crowder's "Sometimes."
Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes
When we’ve given up
Let your healing come
When theres nothing left
Let your healing come
Til were rising up
Let your healing come
Where You go we will follow
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
Sometimes it’s like we never atone
For all the love we know
Sometimes like in a smile of a song
When you feel it come
Then that feelings gone
It flies
When we’ve given up
Let your healing come
When theres nothing left
Let your healing come
Til were rising up
Let your healing come
Where You go we will follow
It’s your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
Its your love we adore
Its like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid, Don’t be afraid
Just set your sail and risk the ocean
There’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean
There’s only grace
Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me
It’s your love that we adoreI don't need to be afraid to risk the ocean, because of His grace. Thank you Lord!
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me
The Lord has also (as He so often does) tenderly addressed my fears in His Word. I have read Daily Light for Your Daily Path in book form as part of my devotional life for YEARS (over 10 now, I think.) I'm always amazed at how often it speaks into my exact circumstance. Here's what I read in Saturday's Daily Light:
My heart is steadfast, O God!
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.—He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.—He will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever.
WHEN I am afraid, I put my trust in YOU.
Amen.
